Life is full of stages. From birth to college to marriage to children to empty nesting.
Often these are the stages we look forward to.
There comes a time in most of our lives when we are going to enter another stage of life – that of needing long term care. There is nothing to be ashamed of – 70% of people will need long term care in their life. That would be most of us. But for some, the discussion can be a difficult one. Whether it is difficult as a child of an elderly parent to bring up the topic, or it is difficult as a parent to hear your children or others ask the question.
However, if you simply postpone having the discussion until an emergency occurs, then your choices are often far less as you have less time to make them. The best time to have these discussions is today, no matter the health of your loved one or the age.
Here are a list of items to consider when planning the discussion.
The facts
Your parent is not alone in receiving assisted living care in their home. And receiving care can be a great boost to their health. Consider the following:
- Seniors who receive home visits are twice as healthy after two years as those who do not
- According to research by a Brown University professor, elders who receive care services such as meals are less likely to later be admitted to a nursing home
- Over 1.5 million seniors receive assisted living care in the home
- 70% of people will need long term care in their life
- Over 90% of seniors want to live in their home for the rest of their lives. And they can.
- Elderly care has changed dramatically over the past two decades – There are many more technologies than “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” and there are many more choices than simply being put into a nursing home.
- As long as they are able, they will have a significant say in the care that they receive in their home
Multiple conversations are often better than one
This does not have to be “The Talk.” If you can make it a series of conversations, it can be less traumatic. And some of those conversations can be brief. Questions like “Dad, how is it living at home since Mom died?” allow him to explain how he feels about his surroundings and living alone. Other questions include:
- I hear Mrs. Smith is getting help with her housework. How does she like that?
- When you told me you fell last moth, I was really scared for a week. Is there anything we can do to help when I live so far away?
The more you talk with your loved one, the more you will understand their desires and will be able to craft the best “assisted living in the home” plan for them.
Make no assumptions
Your loved one just might agree with you but was unsure how to ask for help. Or they might not see a problem in the way that seems so obvious to others – this is not necessarily denial.
Focus on their quality of life and independence
You all want her independence. It is a great place to remember you have common ground.
Go somewhere that they are comfortable – with as many family members as possible
When coming to a point when final decisions are being made and final discussions are being had, be somewhere that your loved one feels at home. In their home is best. If there are family members cannot be there in person, schedule a conference call. Skype and Google Hangouts allow for video conferences for free.
Go in with a listening ear rather than a knowledgeable mouth
Often Seniors have insight that we may not have. And most of us struggle when we feel that someone thinks they know more about our situation than we do. Listening changes hearts. When they express their feelings or thoughts, do not be afraid to follow up with, “I want to make sure I understand” and then restate what they said. Then affirm it.
Put yourself in their shoes
Talk to them in the same loving, respectful manner that you would want your children to talk to you. Understand that this might be hard for them.
Own your feelings rather than your loved one’s “problems”
Use phrases like, “I get so worried” or “I am so concerned when I see….” Those types of phrases tend to be much more effective than “You need to” or “We have decided that it best that….”
Give them information and options
The more they feel that they are part of finding the solution, the more likely they are to welcome it.
Do not express to your loved one that what you are doing compares to what they did for you when you were a child
Your loved one does not want to be viewed in that manner. And it does not indicate independence, your common ground. As an adult who has lived a full life, they would hope to be respected and honored.
Keep calm – even if they do not
If you fail to remain calm, the conversation could have very negative effects on relationships – and potentially the health of the one you are trying to help – for a long time.
A Defensive Loved One
Sometimes no matter how hard we try, the conversation goes in the wrong direction. It is important at that point to bring the conversation back to your feelings, both your own feelings and the feelings you have for your loved one.
A fantastic question to ask is, “Mom, if you knew I needed help, but refused to take it, how would that make you feel?” Then follow up with “How would you feel if I let you send someone to take care of me?” Using this kind of a question shifts the conversation from a battle of the wills to one focused more on the care and tender feelings that you have for one another. Generally, she will say something along the lines of
She just might say “I would be supportive.” Affirm that by saying “Oh Mom, you are wonderful. You have been so supportive in our life.” Then clarify further with two questions:
- “That is what you would do, is to be supportive, but how would you feel deep inside?”
- “As you think about our lives, what has brought you the greatest joy? When you have supported us in decisions that have made our lives easier or those that made life more difficult?”
A Defensive Loved One – Part 2
If the conversation still continues down a different direction than you would like, invite them to join other seniors from Idaho Falls to Driggs at a monthly meeting hosted by 1 Assist Care of the Valley where seniors have the chance to discuss ways they have been able to age with grace and dignity.
When you are ready to take the next step of finding the right person to come into your loved one’s life, give us a call at 208-557-4215 and we will work with you to create an atmosphere where your loved one will be able to enjoy the independence you all desire with the assisted living care services in the home that you all love.
